I am having a tough time at work. If I'm completely honest, I've been having a tough time at work all year. When I first started just a little over two years ago, I couldn't imagine finding a better job - surronded by books, could I ask for anything better?
However, a lot can happen in two years and I find myself getting to that weird point of should I stay or should I go? The bookworm in me says "stay, you'll never find anything better" but I find that I'm continually anxious going into work every morning, even on my days off. It's Saturday, and I'm sitting here with my stomach swirling and I can feel the small tremors throughout my body thinking about work. I'm counting the weeks until my next holiday, but at the same time I know that will be over before I know it and I'll have another long stretch of being desperately unhappy, and feeling like I'm the worst employee in the world.
A combination of the system and how we are being continually let down by it, plus my own incapabilities and not knowing how to improve them are massive points of stress and contention. Plus feeling like I don't fit in because I'm awkward and quiet - not to mention the judgey mcjudgersons always seem to have the loudest voices.
I get that not everything can run smoothly, but I feel like a complete failure at all times. I never do anything right, I always let things slide, I don't keep track of things as well as everyone else, I always half ass everything, I might as well just not do anything at all because that's how much use I am to everyone. I'm continually beating myself up every day and I can't stop.
These feelings aren't going go away anytime soon, but I read Felicia Day's "You're Never Weird on the Internet (almost)" this week and this quote has really stuck with me:
"Weathering the rough times requires a lot of self-confidence outside of the things that you can't control, like career and what other people think of you. You need to be able to feel proud of yourself even if you were living in a tiny hut in the middle of nowhere, taking care of goats. You are unique and good enough JUST AS YOU ARE. As a theoretical goat herder."
The chapter the quote comes from is a really honest insight into Felicia's struggles with anxiety and depression. While reading this chapter, it felt like she was speaking directly to me - I felt less alone and my own anxiety didn't feel so trivial. My goal is to keep repeating goat herder every time I feel those negative thoughts start creeping in, or when something that isn't going my way - I just have to own everything no matter what - and by doing so I hope that this in turn eases the pressure I feel about work.
I feel better for getting this off my chest. I'm going to go read now - I've got a massive stack of library books and I treated myself to a brand new copy of Marissa Meyer's Winter on Monday so I've got plenty to choose from.